Sitting back doing some self-evaluation. Question becomes how serious do people take me? bbuttt then i went hard on myself and dug deeper.....how serious AM I WITH MYSELF?????now...wait a minute! lol this doesn't mean i'm not an honest loyal person. Those are traits i value and continue to hold as things that people should easily categorize me as....but. again. I think i have an issue of trying to mirror people's feelings. Now to ME thats not being fake, it's me using a defense mechanism. For instance if I feel like someone is unreal, fake, bogus, non chalant, rejecting me, hurt my feelings etc. for any situation....i let it sting for a FEW seconds,,,,,,and then i go into overdrive. overdrive in this situation means that it's almost like an alarm system goes off and tells my mind and body to go numb. this sounds drastic but this is seriously what happens. i then start to tell myself, whatever has happened doesn't affect me and that i knew it or expected it to happen. I think when i feel like i expected something out of someone it allows me to NUMB the situation and feel a sense of comfort like "wooo thank god i was prepared for this so it can't hurt me" when ur really never always ready for all of life's blows. This has just been on my heart for a couple weeks now. I pride myself in being real with others ......but when it comes to ME......really do i pride myself on having pride???i seriously think in the middle of my reflection that i realized some real stuff about me. This is one of the hardest things im going to have to do. i have got to stare life's situations in the face and take it, feel the burn, and coast. Now im not sayin that i don't do that now, the only difference is i refuse to feel the burn because i view that as failure.....Maybe that's what it is, im real with Everyone but sometimes im AFRAID TO BE real with myself. I'm pretty sure this behavior will make me miss out on people in my life circle who really are in my corner because sometimes without notice i slowly but surely push people AWAY....what's sadder is they don't get a memo for when it's going to happen unless for some weird reason they suspect that their in process of me deleting them and ask why i'm actin distant? THIS IS BAD i KNOW :(. This is due to the fact that in this weak frame of thought i kinda think like "screw this, b4 u get screwed" mentality and in all reality what if the person never planned to 'screw u" lol from the start,,,,this is sad, but at the same time, im only human.....im just trying to live and learn........just from releasing this through blog i realized that sometimes, maybe, i have to understand that i can't be super strong, super human, super resilient wonder woman, who "acts and thinks like a boy" who doesn't feel pain to save face. I think it would be appropriate to be JeNnY..... SOMETIMES lol, the girl who allows herself to feel, the girl who allows herself to love hard, the girl who cares and the girl who dreams without fear of the unknown. I feel refreshed.....you know what they say in therapy, the first step is admitting you have a problem......here we are....DAY 1. wish me luck
jenius
Proverbs 11:2, When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom."
